Debt as a Symptom of Sexual Addiction
Debt is a symptom of a problem in your life.
It could be that you want desperately to be liked, and are trying to keep up with the Joneses. Maybe you are unable to set boundaries with your children and give in to their every whim. Perhaps, like me, having the “perfect” outfit or the “right” place settings eases your anxiety about interactions with others. Or, maybe you have an addiction to shopping, alcohol, drugs, gambling…or sex.
Back in Halle Berry-Eric Benet days, I thought that sexual addiction was just another excuse people used to explain away wrongdoing. Kind of like how celebrities are always being hospitalized for “exhaustion.”
But now, I’m starting to get it. Why else would powerful, successful men (and occasionally women) risk their marriages, careers and reputations on sex with prostitutes, propositioning sex in airport bathrooms and other risky sexual behaviors? Just because they can? I don’t think it’s that simple. According to the New York Times, EliotSpitzer’s call girl habit likely goes back 10 years and has cost him over $80,000. That doesn’t sound like just a power trip to me.
My dad’s best friend was fired from his government job after porn was found on his office computer…twice. His wife divorced him, he frequented strip clubs and bankrolled expenses for his stripper girlfriends’ “companionship.” Within a year, he was dead - supposedly from a heart attack, although some suspect drugs were involved (his father was a doctor and quickly had the body cremated). While he wasn’t extremely powerful or successful, he did have one thing in common with Spitzer - an addiction to sex.
So what happens when sexual addiction afflicts those who can’t afford it? Debt.
A friend of mine recently came over for dinner after a fight with her husband. While she was calling around for mortgage rates that afternoon, the broker mentioned a credit card she didn’t know existed. She and her husband had been working extremely hard to pay off their debt, but he had apparently been running up credit cards on the side. “On what?,” I asked. She said he has a computer addiction - to porn. “Isn’t porn free?,” I asked, dumbfounded. “Not for the good stuff,” she said.
A report featured in The Guardian this January says that one in four people in the UK who contacted the UK Insolvency Helpline last year admitted that some of their financial problems were caused by spending money on sex (including pornography, strip clubs, telephone sex lines and prostitutes). The helpline says that sex industry spending is now the third most common reason people get in debt, after alcohol/drugs and shopping.
Sexual addiction is real, and has a damaging effect on finances (among other things). Remember that the debt is a symptom of the addiction, and the addiction needs to be tackled before the debt.
17 responses so far
What an interesting article. It has never occured to me that spending on this sort of thing could be such a great cause of personal debt. I have always assumed that people spoend money on possessions.
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And the silence was deafening…
Great post. Really excellent. Thanks for having the courage to write it, Finance Girl.
Sexual addictions are real, and in many cases they lead to secretive spending and debt.
If you are reading this comment, and you struggle with a sexual addiction, read Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carney and/or The Final Freedom by Douglas Weiss.
Thanks for commenting Rachel and Ryan. You’re right, it is not something most people want to talk about/admit to!
And thanks, Ryan, for mentioning specific books that can help people tackle their addiction.
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All of you are right, this never occurred to me, but how true, Debt that was built up because of sex addiction has to be cleaned up the same way every debt is. First, stop doing whatever is causing the debt (easier said then done i know). then you have to get your debts together (consolidating, snowballing, snow flaking, w/e) and all along you must always remember that it is alot easier to get into debt then it is to get out.
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It makes sense. My dad smoked away a lot of money because he was addicted to cigarettes. From the little I know of internet/offline porn, it also seems to require money (lapdances, shows, site memberships). And I doubt an addict could really get what they want from a single steady girlfriend.
It’s really sad, but at least it can potentially be broken, like cigarette addiction and alcoholism.
Justice - That’s a good point that you have to stop digging in order to get out of debt, whether you’re an addict or not.
Mrs. Micah - Yes, seems like all addictions require money - “there’s no such thing as a rich addict.” At least there’s hope!
my boyfriend jokes about his credit card debt, like: “well, it wasn’t cheap being a drunken gourmand!” apparently, now that he’s sober, life’s much less expensive!
Wow, very insightful post. My own addiction (day trading) was very expensive. It’s taken me a long time to get to a place now where I don’t crave that “high” I would get while trading tens of thousands of dollars. I’m sure the same “high” applies here…
[...] 2, 2008 by financegirl My husband read my post on Debt as a Symptom of Sexual Addiction and sent me a lovely e-card [...]
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[...] Girl from Finance Gets Personal thinks that Debt as a Symptom of Sexual Addiction, and says, "This post talks about debt being a symptom of a problem in your life, and the [...]